Project Runway; or, The Modern Prometheus

The extended name of this entry was meant to be "On Project Runway, a Comparative Analysis of 19th Century Literature and 21st Century Film." Lets be serious though, most of you can't read and are just here for the pictures. Fuck it, here's a cowboy monkey riding a dog.

Google Image Search>Bing

Now that we've satisfied the rubes we can move on to the matter at hand-Project Runway is back! Being a modern American male in my late 20's, I feel completely comfortable in stating that I love this show. And cock. Not really. About the cock part...Project Runway is awesome.

The newest season has just premiered and they are back in NYC. Thank Jah for that because the LA season was sad and terrible. One thing that emerged in this new season is that the casting folk are really looking for a few specific archetypes in order to promote future story lines. By that, I mean planting psychos who will inevitably break down and try to fight a motherfucker around episode 5.

Cross stitch bro, seriously bro.

Join me as we examine some of the characters whom we will most definitely encounter on this journey through motherfucking fashion!

The Morgan Freeman-The Enlightened Older Gentleman

For the last few seasons there has been an older, wiser class of man in the pool of contestants. He also happens to have been African-American, or blizack if you will. I do believe that Spike Lee referred to the phenomenon as the "Magical Negro." In essence, the term is applied to a particularly wise black character who helps the white protagonist evade trouble...See! I told you this would be like a real essay! Those words were almost smart-esque! Last season we had Epperson who was completely unable to be fazed by the absolute insanity (of white people) going on around him. This year we have Emilio, a Dominican man from NYC. I promise you this, he will not be caught flipping his shit because Starbucks gave him whole milk instead of non-fat. Good luck Emilio.


The OMG I'm So Nervous I'm Gonna Cry Young Girl

Oh my god you guys, I can't believe I'm even here you guys, and I'm totally crying because I'm here oh my God. You guys. This season just fucking started and we already know who is going to have the worst breakdown on the runway-Janeane. At least in previous seasons they waited until the introductory interviews were over before they started crying. Hell Carol Hannah had the decency to wait until she was puking her guts out at the finale before she shed a tear. This character is usually fresh out of fashion school and most likely lives in Portland. What I do know for sure is that Janeane will lose and the tears will cause flooding worse that Katrina. Invest in sandbags now.




The Scary Girl with Bangs (and crazyyyyy eyes)

Oh Kenley, look what you have started...The PR casting team assumed that after you, bangs were the ultimate definition of crazy bitch. And they were right...or at least I assume they were because they found a girl with eyes crazier than yours for this season-Maya Luz. You can smell the crazy emanating from her pores...but hang on. Lifetime doubled down this year and has 2(!) crazy-eyed bang-having bitches! THIS MEANS WAR!




There are at least 5 more quality archetypes we can examine, but I'm already forced to answer enough questions about my sexuality from my lady: cat owner, clean house, Prince discography, nice cookware, etc. But please don't ignore the quality level of crazy that some of the others can bring to the table: the Spicy Gays calling each other bitches, the Middle Aged Career Hopper Moms who dress like Benetton ads, the Southerners Who Call Everyone "Girl", and lastly the 40 Year Old LA Dudes Who Claim Punk...this season is going to rule.


On a sidenote, if you only quickly scanned this essay you may think that Morgan Freeman is a contestant on Project Runway. Just to clarify, he is not. Bummer...