Lets Talk About Sex (Rehab...on VH1)

Winter has begun to creep over my little mountain enclave and with it comes cold, wet nights. It's the perfect excuse to indulge in 2 of my favorite things: absinthe induced blogging and trashy TV. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a great pilot for a sitcom...(a future blog post just wrote itself...)


I have become a fan of VH1's reality shows above all else. Don't get me wrong, I get super sad when they interrupt sweet Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson videos-but when it's to show whores punching each other (Rock of Love), whores punching each other in a bus (Rock of Love Bus), or whores punching each other (Flavor of Love, Charm School, Charm School 2) I'm a very happy boy.

Public Enemy's Flavor Flav

My new favorite show on VH1 is Sex Rehab-it's exactly like Celebrity Rehab but this time the cast is comprised of people who are even less famous than Daniel Baldwin. Watching it got me thinking about the highly specific sexual proclivities that can develop and be nurtured through the internet. Seriously, I thought of those big words all by myself!


I started to think about the consequences of some of these preferences, or fetishes if you will. Join me on a journey of sexual discovery.

FURRIES

Furries are folk who like to dress up in animal costumes and then bone down. Hard. Or soft I guess. Eww. The more I feel like I know about these people the more I feel the need to disconnect my internet connection. Well the consequences of this one are obvious...


You are subject to having your crotch ripped apart by a lil' doggy. I'm also going to assume that static electricity can be a bitch too. Think about how much it sucks to shock your fingertips!

ASIAN LADIES

Probably doing math...or giggling...or planning to giggle.

This one may seem rather innocuous and innocent, but it's become mighty prevalent. Admit it, everyone has a friend that has a "thing" for "Asian" ladies. The term "Asian" is used pretty damn loose-you may as well just say you're into girls from the southern hemisphere. Anyway if you've ever lived in a major metropolitan area you already know what the consequences are...


Does she look familiar? She should, because she just yelled at you to get out of the way of her cart that is full of fucking crazy looking fruits and vegetables. So fellas, enjoy the ride while it lasts because that woman in the picture above is only 30. Oh and also, she will live till she's 112 because of all of the Omega Fatty Acids she eats.


I'm sure there are plenty of other awesome kinks that I missed, but hell, I'm not Dan Savage. That guy has the market cornered on crazy sexual stuff. I guess all that we can hope for in life is to not have an embarrassing obituary...like Dan Savage eventually will.




And finally a plea...please spread the word about the blog! I love you all! I'm just not in love with you. There's a difference. Stop calling.

Obama. Unicorns. Samsies.

On November 4th, 2008 we elected Barack Obama as President of the USA. It was a proud moment for our nation not only in that we elected a man of color to the highest office, but also in that we elevated one man into the stratosphere of our collective conscious.

The following is a compendium of traits (samesies!) that Barack Obama shares in common with unicorns.

The resemblance alone...

Magical Gas
Samsies!: Like a unicorn, when Barack Obama farts a magical rainbow appears.

This one is common knowledge. Unicorn farts are responsible for 89% of the rainbows produced in the world-the other 11% are from acid rain due to Chinese manufacturing practices. The difference between unicorn farts and Obama farts are subtle. The rainbow that a unicorn expells is actually made up of thousands of tiny little rainbows. Obama's fart rainbows are primarily comprised of ethnic diversity and lofty ambition.


Healing Powers
Samsies!: The blood of a unicorn can heal any and all wounds. So can Obama's!

This one is bit of a red herring, but only because Obama has the blood of a unicorn flowing through him. Do you think Arthur Ashe wishes they had that sort of transfusion back in the 80's? Am I right? Too soon?


Religious Affiliation
Samsies!: Much like the president of the United States, all unicorns are Muslims.

This picture actually exists...thanks Interwebz

Being the secular humanist that I am, I feel that I must conclude this post with something of a disclaimer. I don't want impressionable young children (mainly orphans) who read this blog to harbor any unrealistic expectations of the world around them. Children, Barack Obamas are not real. However, unicorns are.