Lets Talk About Sex (Rehab...on VH1)

Winter has begun to creep over my little mountain enclave and with it comes cold, wet nights. It's the perfect excuse to indulge in 2 of my favorite things: absinthe induced blogging and trashy TV. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a great pilot for a sitcom...(a future blog post just wrote itself...)


I have become a fan of VH1's reality shows above all else. Don't get me wrong, I get super sad when they interrupt sweet Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson videos-but when it's to show whores punching each other (Rock of Love), whores punching each other in a bus (Rock of Love Bus), or whores punching each other (Flavor of Love, Charm School, Charm School 2) I'm a very happy boy.

Public Enemy's Flavor Flav

My new favorite show on VH1 is Sex Rehab-it's exactly like Celebrity Rehab but this time the cast is comprised of people who are even less famous than Daniel Baldwin. Watching it got me thinking about the highly specific sexual proclivities that can develop and be nurtured through the internet. Seriously, I thought of those big words all by myself!


I started to think about the consequences of some of these preferences, or fetishes if you will. Join me on a journey of sexual discovery.

FURRIES

Furries are folk who like to dress up in animal costumes and then bone down. Hard. Or soft I guess. Eww. The more I feel like I know about these people the more I feel the need to disconnect my internet connection. Well the consequences of this one are obvious...


You are subject to having your crotch ripped apart by a lil' doggy. I'm also going to assume that static electricity can be a bitch too. Think about how much it sucks to shock your fingertips!

ASIAN LADIES

Probably doing math...or giggling...or planning to giggle.

This one may seem rather innocuous and innocent, but it's become mighty prevalent. Admit it, everyone has a friend that has a "thing" for "Asian" ladies. The term "Asian" is used pretty damn loose-you may as well just say you're into girls from the southern hemisphere. Anyway if you've ever lived in a major metropolitan area you already know what the consequences are...


Does she look familiar? She should, because she just yelled at you to get out of the way of her cart that is full of fucking crazy looking fruits and vegetables. So fellas, enjoy the ride while it lasts because that woman in the picture above is only 30. Oh and also, she will live till she's 112 because of all of the Omega Fatty Acids she eats.


I'm sure there are plenty of other awesome kinks that I missed, but hell, I'm not Dan Savage. That guy has the market cornered on crazy sexual stuff. I guess all that we can hope for in life is to not have an embarrassing obituary...like Dan Savage eventually will.




And finally a plea...please spread the word about the blog! I love you all! I'm just not in love with you. There's a difference. Stop calling.

Obama. Unicorns. Samsies.

On November 4th, 2008 we elected Barack Obama as President of the USA. It was a proud moment for our nation not only in that we elected a man of color to the highest office, but also in that we elevated one man into the stratosphere of our collective conscious.

The following is a compendium of traits (samesies!) that Barack Obama shares in common with unicorns.

The resemblance alone...

Magical Gas
Samsies!: Like a unicorn, when Barack Obama farts a magical rainbow appears.

This one is common knowledge. Unicorn farts are responsible for 89% of the rainbows produced in the world-the other 11% are from acid rain due to Chinese manufacturing practices. The difference between unicorn farts and Obama farts are subtle. The rainbow that a unicorn expells is actually made up of thousands of tiny little rainbows. Obama's fart rainbows are primarily comprised of ethnic diversity and lofty ambition.


Healing Powers
Samsies!: The blood of a unicorn can heal any and all wounds. So can Obama's!

This one is bit of a red herring, but only because Obama has the blood of a unicorn flowing through him. Do you think Arthur Ashe wishes they had that sort of transfusion back in the 80's? Am I right? Too soon?


Religious Affiliation
Samsies!: Much like the president of the United States, all unicorns are Muslims.

This picture actually exists...thanks Interwebz

Being the secular humanist that I am, I feel that I must conclude this post with something of a disclaimer. I don't want impressionable young children (mainly orphans) who read this blog to harbor any unrealistic expectations of the world around them. Children, Barack Obamas are not real. However, unicorns are.

Lottery Winnings...a Journey

Ever since I was a small child I have always known what I wanted to do with my life.

Lottery Winner

How lucky am I? There has never been a doubt in my mind-this was meant to be my destiny. I feel that people often apply themselves to goals that are seriously unattainable, like playing in the NFL or escaping a European backpacking trip without an STD. Good luck with that daydreamer. And don't use my toilet please.

Zombies also love the lottery

People always ask what I plan to do when (not if) I win the lottery. Thank Jah starting a blog is free, because now I can tell you without having to pay server fees! So for the sake of argument, let's say that my take home total is $150 million, after taxes in a lump sum. Come along kids...


4) Purchase Iceland...Deport Bjork
I have an odd fixation on the small island nation of Iceland. I don't think my understanding of the place is rooted in actual fact. As far as I'm concerned, Iceland is a literal Winter Wonderland. Actual facts displayed by the internets show that it's more like a vast and beautiful land of mountains, waterfalls, and white people.

That's racist.

What I do know about Iceland is that I can currently buy the whole island for about $10 million bucks. Score. Now we all know that Iceland's primary export is Bjork. I'm assuming there's only one of her. My idea is to deport her to somewhere that she will utterly hate, thus encouraging plenty more Bjork-attacks!!!

I think a place like New Jersey will be perfect. It's full of people who don't respect personal space-a big pet peeve of Bjork's. This my friends is why I was put on this planet...chaos.



3) Cash Payments to All That Compliment My Mom
My mom is a fucking saint. You don't know that because you don't know her. Unless you do. But anyway, I will issue $20 bones per compliment. The only stipulation is that it make her smile. The easiest way to do that? Compliment her on raising me!

We have things in common...

It's the giant ego. Not the laser gun. But if this were a 5 part list, a cache of laser guns would totally be number 5.

2) Eat King Tut's Mummy
In the world of fighting they say that to be the man, you have to beat the man. In my world, I love food. So to be the man, I will eat the man.

Look at this elaborately adorned motherfucker.

So the way I see it, I can catch that fucking guy while he's on a stop of his world tour. Seriously, he goes on tour. He has had a more productive output post mortem than Tupac and Elvis combined. The tour stops are always at museums. I saw this whack documentary called "Night at the Museum" a few weeks ago and I know for a fact that shit comes to life at night. I'll just grease some palms in the "Modern American Railroad" exhibit and they can kidnap Tut for me. Then it's off to one of Emeril's restaurants for some good eating. Bam, you dead old bitch.

Oh and then I become the emperor of Egypt I assume.

1) $30 Million Worth of New Lottery Tickets
Am I fucking crazy with this one, or do I just have more foresight than most lottery winners? This is how you stack the odds in your favor! You gotta spend money to make money-the returns on this investment are huge! Oh and in addition, I'll probably win a MacArthur Fellowship, thus certifying me as a genius.

I will Scrooge McDuck the shit out of that pile.

Now I just need someone to loan me $5 to buy a ticket. I'll get you back next week.

Morning radio DJ's

I hate talk radio 'morning zoo' shows. They appeal to the same sort of people who enjoy TV shows like "According to Jim" and "Two and a Half Men." The sort of people who have given up on being challenged intellectually and who love a good fart sound on the way to work. Apparently they number in the millions because everywhere has a local zoo show. The cast of characters goes something like this:

1) The Host
He is the main talker on the show and almost always has that shitty radio voice that otherwise does not appear in real life. He's the one you are meant to relate to because he is just an everyman, same as you. Except your job likely doesn't involve shooting t-shirts out of a gun at minor league baseball games. Unless it does.

2) The Wild One
This guy is likely named something nutty or after an animal, to match his personality. And why is his personality so nutty? Because he controls the fart button...

3) The Naysayer
This person is meant to be the moral center of the show and is typically a woman. So when the Wild One goes off on another one of his HILARIOUS and timely Bill Clinton blowjob jokes, she is there to say, "Come on guys..." She serves no purpose in life other than to negate everyone else. She likely has both a Match.com profile as well as a J-Date profile. Her mother thinks she's a catch.

4) The Producer
He is often the focal point of the on-air talent's ire because he represents "The Man." He works for the station and holds them back from all of the truly insane stuff they'd do if he weren't there. Like installing a second, more wet fart button. The Producer is usually some blank human who graduated from the CT School of Broadcasting or ITT Tech-he likely lives on his Great Aunt's couch while waiting until the icy release of a quick death frees him of this mortal coil.

So, in no particular order, are a list of morning shows that I'd like to exist if they don't already...but they probably do.

Rich and Daryl the Date Rapist
Big Brian and the Bleeding Anal Polyp
Suicidal Kevin and the Disembodied Spirit of Burgess Meredith
Uncle Barry and the Wolverine Molesting Nun
The Bleeding Anal Polyp and Martha Stewart (if the B.A.P. branched out or was fired)


The point of this post is that it should be our responsibility as literate humans to eradicate these shows and demand more! Nobody owns the airwaves, take them back! Dress like Christian Slater and start your own pirate radio show today!


And do it topless.

Sarah Palin...comic genius

You probably had no idea that you are part of one of the most elaborate pranks in human history. If you're reading this you are likely an American, or at the very least, aware of American politics. If that is the case, you have met my pal Sarah.

Sarah Palin that is.

Now when people think of political hoaxes, they tend to think of some Leftist like Abbie Hoffman or more modern muckrakers like The Yes Men or the John Stewart/Stephen Colbert crowd. Humor is not exactly a common virtue of the American Right. That's not meant to be a slight on them, it's just the way it is. We've seen the sort of thing that they think is funny, courtesy of Rush Limbaugh saying a 13 year old Chelsea Clinton looks like a dog. Hilarious. I mean, it is kind of funny but I just ate four handfuls of Oxycontin. So yeah I guess that makes sense...

Sup Dawg?

So Sarah Palin...2 years ago I would have said that name and you'd have said, "God Bless You," likely because I'd have sneezed apropo of nothing else. Total coincidence. But you'd also have had no idea who the fuck Sarah Palin was. In the short time that she has been a national public figure, she has had at least 37 million unintentionally hilarious situations...isn't that crazy? How can one person have so much hilarity go on around her without having anything to do with it? The odds are stacked against the deck on this one.

The only answer is that SARAH PALIN IS A COMEDIC FUCKING GENIUS. She is in on the joke people, neigh, she is the grand orchestrator of a joke that is only funny to her and Todd. I bet they giggle and guffaw while out on one of their snow machine rides...there is no way she could be so fucking disconnected from reality otherwise. There's also no way one of the two primary political parties would look to her as a leader unless they also thought this shit was funny too.

Sarah Palin is taking us all out for milk and cookies in a way that Andy Kaufman could only dream of.

Now we can only cross our fingers that cancer rips her body to shreds, much like it did to Andy.

Too soon?

"Straight" from the 80's....

Your humble author is a child of the 80's. While I wasn't old enough to participate in some of the most flagrant aspects that defined the decade, I was old enough to be able to look back and say, "What the fuck was wrong with every single one of us?" As a nation, we made some great strides internationally with the end of the Cold War, the Berlin Wall coming down, and supporting Afghan rebels in their fight against invading Russians (because that whole thing turned out great for us in the end...), but we had some failings at home. We saw the gap between the rich and the poor expand, we only won 1 gold medal in Olympic ice hockey, and Astronaut Ice Cream never really took off thus killing the entire Astronaut-food industry.

What is most notable about the 80's when placed in contrast to modern days? Simple. The 80's were 100%, unarguably the gayest time on planet Earth. I mean gay to the 10th degree. Not that it's a bad thing-it's just amazing how much our public conscious has expanded in twenty-odd years! (BTW it would have been way funnier if I had said "pubic conscious," I know)...on with the list!!!


TOP 4 TOTALLY STRAIGHT 80'S MOMENTS...
NOW TOTALLY GAY

4. Top Gun (the entire movie)
Now I know this first one may be like shooting (gay) fish in a barrel, but you have to remember that even recently Tom Cruise has been considered an American sexual icon. He was the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine in 1990 as well as according to my Mom (who does not publish a magazine unfortunately). The quintessential Straight-then/Gay-now scene was of course the volleyball match.


Really? I actually feel like we were interrupting a group date. And if they actually played volleyball it would have helped. They pretty much just stared at each other and gave high-fives. Anthony Edwards is clearly looking for some action and Tom is playing hard to 'set'! (Volleyball reference!!!!!!!1111!!!!) The part that is hard to understand is how or why any the producers determined that this scene would be a great way to show how manly these fighter pilots are. THEY ARE FUCKING JET FIGHTER PILOTS...IS THAT NOT MANLY ENOUGH? Playing a sweaty game of beach volleyball is meant to somehow broaden our understanding of the characters' collective machismo? Please...did they end up cutting the scene of them reenacting the video for Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl"?

Pardon us...It's business time...


3. Saturday Morning TV
I used to wake up every Saturday morning and run to plant myself in front of the TV with sugary cereal. Do a Google search for some stats if you'd like, but that is exactly how every single one of us acted back when we were 80's kids. It's simply science. 1 cartoon in particular had blatantly homoerotic overtones...either that or I just had a personal breakthrough. Shit...

Please explain how 1 female Smurf could satisfy both the sexual urges and reproductive urges of an ENTIRE colony? You can't. You know why? Because she had nothing to do with Smurfual reproduction.


What was really happening? The Smurfs learned how to reproduce via gay sex. There's no other explanation that makes sense! So what we were seeing back then had much farther reaching implications than any of us could have predicted! The Smurfs are the true foil to the Christian Right's anti-gay marriage stance.

Sarah Palin is coming to SmurfVille...and she's going to smurf your fucking brains out...


2. Every British Band
For a country that used to produce such overtly heterosexual bands (Led Zep, Cream, etc.), the 80's sure was a backwards time. Now we had our hair bands here in the States and they sure did challenge gender motifs.

Personally, I'd fuck the chick in the bottom-left. But back to the matter at hand. When Poison was done playing a show you knew where they'd be-in the middle of a Blond-Redhead sandwich with a rail of blow being shot up their ass by a midget. 100% straight.

But somehow this eluded the Brits back in the 80's. They'll probably blame Thatcher for messing with their psyche, but in reality they had no leader...the rock stars were all dead or impotent. Whom did they have leading the charge?


Yeah....just friends. England's 2 biggest rock icons were too busy singing Martha & the Vandellas songs and staring into each others' eyes to have been shagging or snogging or whatever the hell they call fucking over there. And by eyes I mean taints. For fucks sake, Robert Smith, a chubby Goth girl, was slaying more tang during the 80's. And good for her! But anyway, people didn't think much of the Jagger/Bowie duet until rumors spread that they were caught in bed together by Bowie's wife. I guess we just didn't have the term "beard" back then...


1. Pro Wrestling
Now I feel bad having pro wrestling be number 1 on the list. Why? Because it hasn't changed at all in the last 20-30 years. In fact I could even argue that it has an even higher level of gay associated with it, namely due to the fact that people can watch guys actually fight on any UFC program. But I digress...pro wrestling really hit its stride in the 80's. But now, you can turn on the UFC and see this. And it's real. Those dudes are actually hitting each other!


But alas, this is what we got....


See, when you know that it's fake, it becomes two men involved in a very complicated Kama Sutra position. Back in the 80's there was still some mystique around wrestling. I mean, it was fucking real. That's how we saw it. The Iron Sheik was actually from Iran, not Puerto Rico.



So what have we learned today? If you grew up in the 80's you are at least partially gay. And if you weren't before, looking at the pictures in this post probably made it so. Sorry about that.

Whereupon I become a blogger...

After receiving almost little to no encouragement and against my better judgment, I decided that the time had finally come that I am to join the blogging class. I am blogging. I am a blogger. I have no idea why. And we are already off to a grand start.

To wit, I'm here for no reason and you're reading this because I somehow managed to coerce you here. It's a lot like like prom if you think about it. But without all of the unplanned teenage pregnancies and awkward dancefloor boners, but I digress...

If there is a single thing that bloggers love to do more than anything, it's to create lists. There's no easier way to dispatch with actual creative writing than to make a numerical tally on some loose theme. That said, you are going to see an assload of lists here.

For my first list, I decided to tackle a subject that I love.

Politics
Oh, and violence.

TOP 5 ANIMALS I'D LIKE TO SEE RAPE SENATOR TOM COBURN

Now I should probably explain. It's not that I get off on watching vicious animals rape old white guys. Far from it. I do, however, love the idea of this particular scumbag, Tom Coburn, getting completely annihilated, right in the butt. My reasons are many and varied so I decided to match the animal rapist along with the particular offense. See, that makes perfect sense. Come along...

5. Sperm Whale
Penis size: Very large I assume.
Reason: Opposes gay marriage, gay adoption, and general gayness at large.
I chose the sperm whale for number 5 because the word sperm is right there in the name. Have you ever really thought about what percentage of the ocean was made up of whale sperm? Probably a lot. Lets get some of it out of the ocean and instead get it in and around Senator Coburn's face.


4. Rabid Wolverine
Penis size: Small but angry as fuck.
Reason: Pro-life warrior who supports the death penalty.
I have a feeling that a perfectly healthy wolverine wouldn't be much for gentle loving, but get some rabies pumpin' through it's blood and you've got a compact rape-machine. A machine covered in fur. One that rapes senators from Oklahoma.

3. Five Adorable Kittens
Penis size: Collectively tiny, but also adorable,
Reason: Complained about NBC airing Schindler's List due to "nudity and profanity".
While the atrocities of the Holocaust are seemingly fine and dandy to Coburn, the nudity in the film is apparently 10 TIMES MORE ATROCIOUS and is an affront to the modern American family! So why not send a gang of kittens to show Coburn who is boss? Can you imagine if they sang and danced like a 50's street gang??? OMG I just cutejaculated all over myself.


2. African Bull Elephant
Penis size: Largest in the motherfucking animal kingdom!
Reason: Placed a hold on a veteran's benefit bill, preventing thousands of servicemen and women from getting medical care when they return from war.
So Tom Coburn wants to fuck our military service-members and their families, a giant elephant wants to make Tom Coburn into Senator Shish Kabob. There may need to be a special election in OK after Dumbo gets through with him...


1. T-Rex
Penis size: Jurassic and giant
Reason: Everything else in Coburn's 20-year Congressional career.
Let's face it, this guy is a chucklehead. He will always be the most reliable denier of anything and everything. He will consistently be on the wrong side of history whether it be Climate Change, gay rights, etc. So why not have a T-Rex buttrush him? Coburn will get extra bent out of shape due to the T-Rex's faggy limp wrists.



Ouch...

(In the interest of full disclosure, Senator Tom and I share the same birth date. I wanted that known in case you thought I went easy on him.)