Why I Stopped Blogging...A Blog.

So I stopped blogging. Sue me. Dick.

The death of my blog gives birth to a new project for 2011. So I guess that's good news if you are a fan or friend of mine. It's probably not the most exciting news if you hate my guts. Fun fact: almost 100% of the time when I write the word 'most' I end up writing 'moist' by mistake. Like right there, I wrote moist at least 3 times.

So the podcast will be started in early 2011 after my lady and I return to Santa Cruz. My partner in crime will be my good pal Tex, aka Sex, aka Chest, aka Tyson. He's far too nice to be my friend, but that's his problem not mine.

There will probably be a 'cast related blog or website in time. Feel free to stare at this blog and hope for some updates. It won't get you anywhere. That's not how computers work.

Thanks,
Dan

Razing Arizona

Arizona. The 48th state in our blessed union. Come for the food, leave if you're brown. Unless you're cooking the aforementioned food...damn this Catch 22!

Some restrictions apply.

Arizona joined the United States in 1912 and promptly elected an elderly John McCain to the Senate. It still roams the halls to this day...other than that, Arizona is known for little more than having officially recognized state neckware: the bolo tie. That is a joke. Bolo ties on the other hand are not a joke.

Look at this fucking guy...

Since Arizona passed a new law charging law enforcement with the task of discerning one's citizenship based on "behavior," I decided to help out. I have created a list of behaviors that are typical of non-Americans! Feel free to add some of your own in the comments section!

HOW TO IDENTIFY NON-AMERICANS IN AMERICA (in Arizona)

4) Wearing White Jeans
After the year 1988, anyone wearing white jeans in America should be suspect of some sort of crime. However in this case it's a bit more nefarious. White jeans are the officially issued state clothing of Communist Sweden. It's simple geo-politics people, buy a fucking globe.






3) Driving a Chevy Cobalt
Nobody in America actually purchased this car. Not unless your name happens to be Enterprise, Budget, or Avis. This is a sure sign that the driver is not from U.S. This is the precise example of 'probable cause' that Harvard Law uses.




2) Clothing Naming the City/State You Are Currently In
The only time your clothing should identify your current location is if you don't speak the local language and need to be returned there in case you get lost. Shirts like this would be even more helpful if it included your hotel's address...





1) Fanny Packs
Not just fanny packs...I'm talking about fashionable fanny packs. Europeans (i.e. non-Americans) have been using fanny packs to carry weird candy and cameras since the dawn of man. I wonder if there's room for a 1 way ticket out of the US in there?





So there you have it. An easy-to-follow guide on how to spot those pesky law-breakin' non-Americans! I'm glad that I could be of service to my fellow countrymen! In closing, I'd like to congratulate AZ on their new state motto: "Muéstreme Sus Papeles!"



Epilogue: A Serious Note From A Serious Fellow
I know this law is completely insane and I'm making light of it. Please, pretty please, don't blame law enforcement for this. It is NOT their fault. It is the fault of the AZ state legislature. Think of the police as the bouncers outside of the bar with a clipboard and ear piece. The clipboard has the guest list on it. Think of the state legislature as the guy who writes the guest list from far far away...now assume that the guy who writes the guest list is a psychotic coked up maniac with a tenuous grasp on reality. And there my friends, is how state government works. Completely coked up and disconnected from real life.

Yep, this guy runs America.

Missing: Male blogger, late 20's, Bay Area CA

Oh. Hey. Yeah it's me.

So I bet you're wondering where I've been, or more importantly, why I haven't updated the ol' blog. Here's your answer.

Your momma.

Mind your own fucking business.


Shit will be back in full effect shortly and it will be better than ever. I'm talking explosions (in a literary sense), sexiness (in terms of prose), and fucking narwhals (because they are closest thing to a unicorn that we've got)...

Tell your friends, 2010 will be the year of the Meat.

Forever Yours,
The Author

Project Runway; or, The Modern Prometheus

The extended name of this entry was meant to be "On Project Runway, a Comparative Analysis of 19th Century Literature and 21st Century Film." Lets be serious though, most of you can't read and are just here for the pictures. Fuck it, here's a cowboy monkey riding a dog.

Google Image Search>Bing

Now that we've satisfied the rubes we can move on to the matter at hand-Project Runway is back! Being a modern American male in my late 20's, I feel completely comfortable in stating that I love this show. And cock. Not really. About the cock part...Project Runway is awesome.

The newest season has just premiered and they are back in NYC. Thank Jah for that because the LA season was sad and terrible. One thing that emerged in this new season is that the casting folk are really looking for a few specific archetypes in order to promote future story lines. By that, I mean planting psychos who will inevitably break down and try to fight a motherfucker around episode 5.

Cross stitch bro, seriously bro.

Join me as we examine some of the characters whom we will most definitely encounter on this journey through motherfucking fashion!

The Morgan Freeman-The Enlightened Older Gentleman

For the last few seasons there has been an older, wiser class of man in the pool of contestants. He also happens to have been African-American, or blizack if you will. I do believe that Spike Lee referred to the phenomenon as the "Magical Negro." In essence, the term is applied to a particularly wise black character who helps the white protagonist evade trouble...See! I told you this would be like a real essay! Those words were almost smart-esque! Last season we had Epperson who was completely unable to be fazed by the absolute insanity (of white people) going on around him. This year we have Emilio, a Dominican man from NYC. I promise you this, he will not be caught flipping his shit because Starbucks gave him whole milk instead of non-fat. Good luck Emilio.


The OMG I'm So Nervous I'm Gonna Cry Young Girl

Oh my god you guys, I can't believe I'm even here you guys, and I'm totally crying because I'm here oh my God. You guys. This season just fucking started and we already know who is going to have the worst breakdown on the runway-Janeane. At least in previous seasons they waited until the introductory interviews were over before they started crying. Hell Carol Hannah had the decency to wait until she was puking her guts out at the finale before she shed a tear. This character is usually fresh out of fashion school and most likely lives in Portland. What I do know for sure is that Janeane will lose and the tears will cause flooding worse that Katrina. Invest in sandbags now.




The Scary Girl with Bangs (and crazyyyyy eyes)

Oh Kenley, look what you have started...The PR casting team assumed that after you, bangs were the ultimate definition of crazy bitch. And they were right...or at least I assume they were because they found a girl with eyes crazier than yours for this season-Maya Luz. You can smell the crazy emanating from her pores...but hang on. Lifetime doubled down this year and has 2(!) crazy-eyed bang-having bitches! THIS MEANS WAR!




There are at least 5 more quality archetypes we can examine, but I'm already forced to answer enough questions about my sexuality from my lady: cat owner, clean house, Prince discography, nice cookware, etc. But please don't ignore the quality level of crazy that some of the others can bring to the table: the Spicy Gays calling each other bitches, the Middle Aged Career Hopper Moms who dress like Benetton ads, the Southerners Who Call Everyone "Girl", and lastly the 40 Year Old LA Dudes Who Claim Punk...this season is going to rule.


On a sidenote, if you only quickly scanned this essay you may think that Morgan Freeman is a contestant on Project Runway. Just to clarify, he is not. Bummer...

Lets Talk About Sex (Rehab...on VH1)

Winter has begun to creep over my little mountain enclave and with it comes cold, wet nights. It's the perfect excuse to indulge in 2 of my favorite things: absinthe induced blogging and trashy TV. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a great pilot for a sitcom...(a future blog post just wrote itself...)


I have become a fan of VH1's reality shows above all else. Don't get me wrong, I get super sad when they interrupt sweet Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson videos-but when it's to show whores punching each other (Rock of Love), whores punching each other in a bus (Rock of Love Bus), or whores punching each other (Flavor of Love, Charm School, Charm School 2) I'm a very happy boy.

Public Enemy's Flavor Flav

My new favorite show on VH1 is Sex Rehab-it's exactly like Celebrity Rehab but this time the cast is comprised of people who are even less famous than Daniel Baldwin. Watching it got me thinking about the highly specific sexual proclivities that can develop and be nurtured through the internet. Seriously, I thought of those big words all by myself!


I started to think about the consequences of some of these preferences, or fetishes if you will. Join me on a journey of sexual discovery.

FURRIES

Furries are folk who like to dress up in animal costumes and then bone down. Hard. Or soft I guess. Eww. The more I feel like I know about these people the more I feel the need to disconnect my internet connection. Well the consequences of this one are obvious...


You are subject to having your crotch ripped apart by a lil' doggy. I'm also going to assume that static electricity can be a bitch too. Think about how much it sucks to shock your fingertips!

ASIAN LADIES

Probably doing math...or giggling...or planning to giggle.

This one may seem rather innocuous and innocent, but it's become mighty prevalent. Admit it, everyone has a friend that has a "thing" for "Asian" ladies. The term "Asian" is used pretty damn loose-you may as well just say you're into girls from the southern hemisphere. Anyway if you've ever lived in a major metropolitan area you already know what the consequences are...


Does she look familiar? She should, because she just yelled at you to get out of the way of her cart that is full of fucking crazy looking fruits and vegetables. So fellas, enjoy the ride while it lasts because that woman in the picture above is only 30. Oh and also, she will live till she's 112 because of all of the Omega Fatty Acids she eats.


I'm sure there are plenty of other awesome kinks that I missed, but hell, I'm not Dan Savage. That guy has the market cornered on crazy sexual stuff. I guess all that we can hope for in life is to not have an embarrassing obituary...like Dan Savage eventually will.




And finally a plea...please spread the word about the blog! I love you all! I'm just not in love with you. There's a difference. Stop calling.

Obama. Unicorns. Samsies.

On November 4th, 2008 we elected Barack Obama as President of the USA. It was a proud moment for our nation not only in that we elected a man of color to the highest office, but also in that we elevated one man into the stratosphere of our collective conscious.

The following is a compendium of traits (samesies!) that Barack Obama shares in common with unicorns.

The resemblance alone...

Magical Gas
Samsies!: Like a unicorn, when Barack Obama farts a magical rainbow appears.

This one is common knowledge. Unicorn farts are responsible for 89% of the rainbows produced in the world-the other 11% are from acid rain due to Chinese manufacturing practices. The difference between unicorn farts and Obama farts are subtle. The rainbow that a unicorn expells is actually made up of thousands of tiny little rainbows. Obama's fart rainbows are primarily comprised of ethnic diversity and lofty ambition.


Healing Powers
Samsies!: The blood of a unicorn can heal any and all wounds. So can Obama's!

This one is bit of a red herring, but only because Obama has the blood of a unicorn flowing through him. Do you think Arthur Ashe wishes they had that sort of transfusion back in the 80's? Am I right? Too soon?


Religious Affiliation
Samsies!: Much like the president of the United States, all unicorns are Muslims.

This picture actually exists...thanks Interwebz

Being the secular humanist that I am, I feel that I must conclude this post with something of a disclaimer. I don't want impressionable young children (mainly orphans) who read this blog to harbor any unrealistic expectations of the world around them. Children, Barack Obamas are not real. However, unicorns are.

Lottery Winnings...a Journey

Ever since I was a small child I have always known what I wanted to do with my life.

Lottery Winner

How lucky am I? There has never been a doubt in my mind-this was meant to be my destiny. I feel that people often apply themselves to goals that are seriously unattainable, like playing in the NFL or escaping a European backpacking trip without an STD. Good luck with that daydreamer. And don't use my toilet please.

Zombies also love the lottery

People always ask what I plan to do when (not if) I win the lottery. Thank Jah starting a blog is free, because now I can tell you without having to pay server fees! So for the sake of argument, let's say that my take home total is $150 million, after taxes in a lump sum. Come along kids...


4) Purchase Iceland...Deport Bjork
I have an odd fixation on the small island nation of Iceland. I don't think my understanding of the place is rooted in actual fact. As far as I'm concerned, Iceland is a literal Winter Wonderland. Actual facts displayed by the internets show that it's more like a vast and beautiful land of mountains, waterfalls, and white people.

That's racist.

What I do know about Iceland is that I can currently buy the whole island for about $10 million bucks. Score. Now we all know that Iceland's primary export is Bjork. I'm assuming there's only one of her. My idea is to deport her to somewhere that she will utterly hate, thus encouraging plenty more Bjork-attacks!!!

I think a place like New Jersey will be perfect. It's full of people who don't respect personal space-a big pet peeve of Bjork's. This my friends is why I was put on this planet...chaos.



3) Cash Payments to All That Compliment My Mom
My mom is a fucking saint. You don't know that because you don't know her. Unless you do. But anyway, I will issue $20 bones per compliment. The only stipulation is that it make her smile. The easiest way to do that? Compliment her on raising me!

We have things in common...

It's the giant ego. Not the laser gun. But if this were a 5 part list, a cache of laser guns would totally be number 5.

2) Eat King Tut's Mummy
In the world of fighting they say that to be the man, you have to beat the man. In my world, I love food. So to be the man, I will eat the man.

Look at this elaborately adorned motherfucker.

So the way I see it, I can catch that fucking guy while he's on a stop of his world tour. Seriously, he goes on tour. He has had a more productive output post mortem than Tupac and Elvis combined. The tour stops are always at museums. I saw this whack documentary called "Night at the Museum" a few weeks ago and I know for a fact that shit comes to life at night. I'll just grease some palms in the "Modern American Railroad" exhibit and they can kidnap Tut for me. Then it's off to one of Emeril's restaurants for some good eating. Bam, you dead old bitch.

Oh and then I become the emperor of Egypt I assume.

1) $30 Million Worth of New Lottery Tickets
Am I fucking crazy with this one, or do I just have more foresight than most lottery winners? This is how you stack the odds in your favor! You gotta spend money to make money-the returns on this investment are huge! Oh and in addition, I'll probably win a MacArthur Fellowship, thus certifying me as a genius.

I will Scrooge McDuck the shit out of that pile.

Now I just need someone to loan me $5 to buy a ticket. I'll get you back next week.